you can still cry sometimes

added last after some thought:

A few people from real life might have access to this blog and that makes me uncomfortable, but on the same end- who cares? Nothing has taken over my life and this blog is an excellent way for me to express what I dont talk about. They can fulfill their voyeuristic intentions all they want, they can spread rumors and make me feel bad (worse?) about myself, they can shrink my already small social circle. To everyone I may know: I'm sorry. And go do something productive and maybe re-examine your own lives.

--

I wish i could explain the concept of how it feels when I say i feel like i am drifting away. I dont know what else to call it. its not so much a gradual termination of emotion, instead its more like a separation of my personality and my emotions. I feel hurt or happy without feeling hurt or happy. I acknowledge it but i dont feel it. And I only acknowledge it in brief. If I think about the boy, sleeping with other women, fantasizing about them, getting sick of me- i cry. but now i am also drifting away from it in what is more and more a lifelong quest for incompatible desires.

Ive been micro/macro blogging a lot lately. I got into a fight recently with the boy, and i think thats why. I rarely meet someone who is able to make me so jealous so quickly, so happy so purely, and so drunk on anger. I finally really understand how you can look at someone and just see your own failures. Sometimes, I am so weak. The creases around his eyes remind me he's settling

Everything lately makes me want to use again. Everything. I close my eyes and i see the blissful scarlet plume filling the syringe. I almost FEEL it, I almost feel the anticipation, my legs get tense in preparation. I always just crumple the last few times I used, I just crumple and let myself get increasingly higher. Despite the blood dripping from my arm and the fact that I am an IV drug user, everything is soft and deceivingly perfect. Serotonin 'warmth' is indescribable. I wish I had someone who understood and not just 'knew' to replace that warmth sometimes. until then ill weigh the pros and cons and inevitably relapse again at some point soon.

i need a damn hobby

One

One
of the worst things is trying to sleep alone after youve been curled up with someone else for so long
Two
of the worst people to be together are drug addicts or sociopaths
Three
is the number of words I wish you could have said to me in some way at some point that would have changed this night entirely


drifting away again

opinion

In my opinion, the biggest assumption you can make is that you will be loved if youre around someone long enough

Nothing is further from the truth most the time


I am over 50 miles and quantum leaps mentally away from the person i wish i were sleeping next to, but i do believe hes unable to process my most basic emotional needs


It is a painful and lonely morning

What constitutes abuse?

I am in a relationship and i cannot tell if i am (emotionally) abused or I am the abuser. the funny part is i know about the cycles of abuse, and all of that, and i feel like im falling into them
Maybe thats not funny?

Whatever is going on, its like a giant wonderful swedish clock that keeps jamming on one small wheel and the whole machine just grinds and makes awful noises.

As a result of this, and summer, ive been poking around way too much for things i shouldnt. I am going to find what i want and not stop though.

I never thought smuggled valium could save my life

the other day

the other day i think i took what i think was tainted drugs
shooting them made me jitter and shake and it was terrible
ive violated agreements

today

Today
I will hurt two people
I believe one will turn inward and continue to self destruct, very gorgeously
and I believe the other will turn inward and grow and bloom into an ugly garish thing I dont want to be party to
I do not want to be part of either person in some ways
and in other ways im glad i was part of their lives in some small way at some small fork in their life journeys
but they have great drugs

obviously, youve never been left for anyone more attractive than you

the better question is if i ever really have.
Hmmm


New people, new thoughts, new exploration. Ive been far more sober in a different way than ive been in a while, but I am constantly re-exploring chapters that I thought were over.

Either way its fun.
im drunk and I wish i knew where I was going with any of this

I'll be back to where I was by Christmas

Mathematics of friendship

Ive been feeling pretty shitty lately that my relationships (or really the lack thereof) so completely dominate this blog. I mean, I am an interesting person. Assholeish tendencies aside, I am. I travel, I cook, I am neat, I love so many things and I am interested in everything that I really am more than the sum of the ties that bind me to other people
But at the same time its like math
I have so many people in my life BECAUSE i have so many interests.
Computers (hardware AND software), cooking, tabletop RGS, kink, travel, misadventuring, kittens, music and arts, shooting, science....
And so I have derive acquaintances and friends from each of those sets
and then there are the relationships that are derived from it.
And I am NOT interested in talking about my relationships with people so as a result I cannot loop that into my interests and make my activities, interests, and relationships self-sustaining; i need an outlet like this piece of shit to do that.

Huh.
This blog is the second derivative of my life.

Barely Prose

At first I was playing coy to make you think I lead a busy life and wasn't crazy for you
then I told you too much about myself
and the look on your face let me know that I wasn't mad for you
Such a fun fantasy, I am beginning to realize, is nothing more than a fantasy
While I was melting i realized i was the same to you
and I was content within it
and as the next person in my life lifts me up and takes me to flight
I am content within our discordant relationship again
And await the carthartic and awkward end

Rumination/ Tents

I havent been able to sit still lately and i sure as hell cant sleep which is fairly suprising considering the intensity of my weekend (yes, even though I slept a lot last night!). I have really been partially consumed by some plots in my head and my apparent proclivity for destruction and, simultaneously, structure. Either way, ive drawn some banging sketches and ive gotten a lot done 'round the apartment.

I wonder how much scarring would result from an extremely deep cutting if it is sutured immediately afterward? there is only one way to find out. However, that will have to wait for at least September 14th... and how busy life will be around that time! how exciting and invigorating!

as usual, my schedule is superbly packed.
c'est la vie

onward...

What Happened

It scares me
when your hands shake
it scared me when you raised your voice and I could feel a door slam in my mind
and my stomach got cold and I couldnt understand what you were saying because
the laws of physics were being broken
as the cold in my stomach rose through my spine to my vocal chords to my mouth and my brain
and it all froze
along with my thoughts and my heart and my eyes;
shut tight with your image burnt on them
while my feet began to twist and boil
I am bold, I am open
I am fragile, I am cauterized
I am petrified into being myself over and over again
And I am afraid my brittle branches will crack under your unintended strain
Just as touching your shoulder was my assurance
Watching your lips makes me falter
Still rivers supposedly run deep
And with you I evaporate
Ne pourris pas avec moi, mon chou
I am sorry, carina


This whole iran election thing has been fascinating to follow. i am surprised more pictures havent hit CB. Dios mio! sometimes they take a few weeks (I remember the Georgian-Russian conflict :/ )

One last time

oh little friend of mine
do you ever wonder where we'd be
if you never let go of those fraying threads
that one gently bound your life with me?

oh good old friend of mine
do you remember that one birthday
when you fell asleep driving with me?
we had nowhere to go, anyway

we had nowhere to go, anyway

Oh toughest friend of mine
You got a job; had bills to pay
did I know it was another one last time?
Youd glance at me and then look away

Oh silly friend of mine
You broke up with the boy you had
and called me that one last time
That conversation was so good, so bad

It was so good and so bad

Oh carefree friend of mine
Remember racing to the sea
Just to spend the day away from home
like we'd never have anywhere to be

Oh for one last time I'll remember that crazy drive
to each others houses at a thousand miles and hour
We could have died so many times, in that car
But now we can die somewhere else;
we had already died on that drive

the things I do and the places I didnt go

I wrote this for you while you were gone because I realized for the first time in a while I miss someone. Is that special? I dont know. The context of the poem isnt sweet.
Love is hard when addiction is present.

If I could draw words
and say pictures
I would draw my words like curtains in the morning
So the delicate sunlight floods in
You've washed up on foreign shores in biblical seas
And I am washed up in an opiate I could drown in
My dreams, like delicate wisps of early clouds, are frail
and thoughts of your face makes them evaporate
to condense in my eyes
Valium pools and morphine seas will recreate the ocean
i sink into in when you are next to me



and inside i feel this same familiar and disorienting feeling right now
turning, turning

EDIT V2.0

If I could draw words
and say pictures
I would draw my words like curtains in the morning
So the delicate sunlight floods in
And in the yellow glow we would embrace
And I would feel like I had slept for days

You've washed up on foreign shores near biblical seas
And I am washed up in an opiate I could drown in

My dreams, like delicate wisps of early clouds, are frail
And thoughts of your face makes them evaporate
And then condense, and fall from my eyes

Valium pools and morphine seas will recreate the ocean
I sink into in when you are next to me

Drunk near exes...

... is always a bad idea, especially when there is more than 1 douche present.

Im really torn because there is promise on some fronts, there is someone thinking of me a few states away, and someone (who is as emotionally mature as an average four year old) several continents away who thinks they love me
And exes
I really need to figure this out
in the mean time i passed out in one ex's lap this morning
for 20 minutes!
i havent slept since then

Thank You

If there is one thing about you I will always remember
it is the last morning we spent together
when you rolled over and looked at me, in the face, and paused before you said
"you are pretty"
And I felt like when i did look into your eyes it wasnt just my face you saw
For a brief second I thought you were telling me what ive been trying to affirm in myself for so long
And even though a piece of me had long since realized you refused to allow yourself to be content with me
For that brief second I felt like I could break free of the path i've been trapped on
For that brief second I felt like you finally saw me, for the first time
It wasn't long after that you left me to chase things you thought I couldn't see
And it wasn't long after that I went behind the screens and haze where I felt more encapsulated
But it was the analytical and honest look on your face that held so much promise
That pause that caused my physiology to scramble
That pause that made me uncomfortably aware of my existence
that pause that made me to fall in love with breathing again in ways I cant fully understand for now
that for now, I will carry in the back on my head
Like pressed flowers in an old diary

I don't write here much

Somewhat successfully i've managed to compartmentalize more and more of my life to the point literally no one knows where I am at any one time unless I am with them. It's nice. It's hard.

What's really hard is being a sex worker. Without going into details, I work as one, and it's the most dynamic position i've ever been in. The money for time ratio is great, but the mental energy consumed is fantastic. I wish sometimes I had a normal job- sometime to eat up time and something I could only have to care about for a select few hours a day. Its also spoiled me- I have no concept of working for money any more and im sorry to lose that- i used to work 14 hours a day when i was a kid and paychecks were so treasured. Now getting anywhere from $200 to $2000 dollars at once whenever i work is so easy. I really shouldnt complain about that. I took the semester off to travel, and I have. I went out west, I went to central america, im going to an alternative adult camp, im going to asia, im going to vegas, I might go to europe- Can I really complain?

I think i just need a hobby. I read too quickly to just buy a book every time I'm bored- that would be 3+ books a week. I've definitely picked up a bad habit too, but im not going to write about that right now. If my life isnt where I want it to be in 2011, I will probably just join Peace Corps or the armed services. preferably the armed services; i would love to have a government issued assault rifle.

I'm finding more and more every day that life is duality. My job is a wonderful example of that.

Did you know one of realPlayer's visualizations is this awesome dancing sheep?

Also it's complete bullshit about the PirateBay ruling. Compete bullshit. Related: the DRM-free files on itunes cost more. Also bullshit. Bureaucrats don't understand yet you cant control digital media without supressing freedom of speech. Pirate on.