tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21587454268688038252024-03-08T00:11:27.049-08:00f l o a t i n gA life apartJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-27841070928017975952010-10-08T00:48:00.000-07:002010-10-08T00:49:59.204-07:00Would you trust someone who was never sure if they loved you?<br /><br /><br />I want to be held (or posses a large amount of drugs)<br /><br />I want to be skinny and pretty<br /><br />I want to drive fast and live forever<br /><br />I want to adopt you as a pet and pretend so much of my life hasnt happenedJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-9112406673396034192010-09-16T00:03:00.001-07:002010-09-16T00:11:44.551-07:00Howdy strangerIt's been a while but nothing changed, nor will it (or is it?)<br /><br />Ripples of discontent are marring an otherwise placid and uncaring scape that i escape to, almost every minute of every day. I have familiar churning in my stomach, a dull, painful ache i must purge myself of. My life has become surreal. I think about using every day. I want to use so bad. There is so little going on-for me, against me, moving me- i dont feel like id be missed. I want a mattress on the floor and lots of nice opiates. I dont want to be bothered. After that swim, i dont feel like i ever need to connect with my reality again.<br /><br /><br />Switching gears, looking through old photos made me realize- there are so many people i dont keep up with any more that i miss. I still love some of them, perhaps not in an in-love sense, but i loved our time together, i loved who we were, whether it was friends, or more. I feel like the branches of my social life are twisting inwards, getting gnarled, ugly, forgotten. <br /><br />There are days where I want to wither and die like an unwanted houseplant. I want to undergo dessication and just remain. And other days i remind myself that time is trudging ahead and dragging me with it, whether i like it or not. And i must get up, and do something.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-38905399020895772852010-06-04T10:24:00.000-07:002010-06-04T11:13:54.915-07:00The ambivalence that comes from within myself, and the people around me, slowly seeping out like syrup from a maple tree, rips through my veins in an almost ethereal and indescribable wayJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-45154201843868667622010-03-01T23:37:00.000-08:002010-03-01T23:56:48.697-08:00im not a princess and this isnt a fairy tale<br /><br />sums it all up<br /><br />I am manipulative, im paranoid, im jealous; i was honest and i wanted to be loved so bad. What do i have in my life? shitty family; shitty friends. distant friends. friends with ulterior motives. I just want someone to pour affection over and its just painful instead. I dont want to be drunk; i want to be fucked up. i feel so empty. I feel like my insides are being fileted. <br /><br />What he did wasnt bad; its the dishonesty. Just a friend. Dont think of her that way. Why cant people at least afford me basic honesty? I can understand him feeling like his privacy was violated; can he understand he violated my basic trust? that he made me feel so worthless? How can he feel HALF as justified in his anger as i am in mine?<br /><br />I feel cheap and used.<br /><br />I feel so alone.<br /><br />Maybe i deserve it. i wish i could say i dont care, but i care so so much.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-76517542070489302222010-01-14T01:38:00.000-08:002010-01-14T01:40:05.619-08:00Old habits die hardIndeed they do.<br />I took an ambien and while on ambien i took 3 vicodin, one of which i tried cold-water distilling and mainlining. I guess old habits die harder than i thought. <br /><br />Ive been really bored lately. I need to get a decent fix on life.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-32054668239662258472009-12-22T02:30:00.000-08:002009-12-22T04:57:55.169-08:00you can still cry sometimesadded last after some thought: <br /><br />A few people from real life might have access to this blog and that makes me uncomfortable, but on the same end- who cares? Nothing has taken over my life and this blog is an excellent way for me to express what I dont talk about. They can fulfill their voyeuristic intentions all they want, they can spread rumors and make me feel bad (worse?) about myself, they can shrink my already small social circle. To everyone I may know: I'm sorry. And go do something productive and maybe re-examine your own lives.<br /><br />--<br /><br />I wish i could explain the concept of how it feels when I say i feel like i am drifting away. I dont know what else to call it. its not so much a gradual termination of emotion, instead its more like a separation of my personality and my emotions. I feel hurt or happy without feeling hurt or happy. I acknowledge it but i dont feel it. And I only acknowledge it in brief. If I think about the boy, sleeping with other women, fantasizing about them, getting sick of me- i cry. but now i am also drifting away from it in what is more and more a lifelong quest for incompatible desires.<br /><br />Ive been micro/macro blogging a lot lately. I got into a fight recently with the boy, and i think thats why. I rarely meet someone who is able to make me so jealous so quickly, so happy so purely, and so drunk on anger. I finally really understand how you can look at someone and just see your own failures. Sometimes, I am so weak. The creases around his eyes remind me he's settling<br /><br />Everything lately makes me want to use again. Everything. I close my eyes and i see the blissful scarlet plume filling the syringe. I almost FEEL it, I almost feel the anticipation, my legs get tense in preparation. I always just crumple the last few times I used, I just crumple and let myself get increasingly higher. Despite the blood dripping from my arm and the fact that I am an IV drug user, everything is soft and deceivingly perfect. Serotonin 'warmth' is indescribable. I wish I had someone who understood and not just 'knew' to replace that warmth sometimes. until then ill weigh the pros and cons and inevitably relapse again at some point soon. <br /><br />i need a damn hobbyJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-79383093388994415762009-12-21T05:39:00.000-08:002009-12-21T05:43:21.374-08:00OneOne <br />of the worst things is trying to sleep alone after youve been curled up with someone else for so long<br />Two <br />of the worst people to be together are drug addicts or sociopaths<br />Three<br />is the number of words I wish you could have said to me in some way at some point that would have changed this night entirely <br /><br /><br />drifting away againJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-87599327745587616742009-12-21T05:01:00.000-08:002009-12-21T05:03:42.116-08:00opinionIn my opinion, the biggest assumption you can make is that you will be loved if youre around someone long enough<br /><br />Nothing is further from the truth most the time<br /><br /><br />I am over 50 miles and quantum leaps mentally away from the person i wish i were sleeping next to, but i do believe hes unable to process my most basic emotional needs<br /><br /><br />It is a painful and lonely morningJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-83099077450169495792009-12-05T11:39:00.000-08:002009-12-05T11:52:30.200-08:00What constitutes abuse?I am in a relationship and i cannot tell if i am (emotionally) abused or I am the abuser. the funny part is i know about the cycles of abuse, and all of that, and i feel like im falling into them<br /> Maybe thats not funny?<br /><br />Whatever is going on, its like a giant wonderful swedish clock that keeps jamming on one small wheel and the whole machine just grinds and makes awful noises.<br /><br />As a result of this, and summer, ive been poking around way too much for things i shouldnt. I am going to find what i want and not stop though. <br /><br />I never thought smuggled valium could save my lifeJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-15537062150231963072009-10-31T02:07:00.000-07:002009-10-31T02:41:18.856-07:00the other daythe other day i think i took what i think was tainted drugs<br />shooting them made me jitter and shake and it was terrible<br />ive violated agreementsJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-8534021970360930462009-08-16T23:53:00.000-07:002009-08-16T23:55:03.953-07:00todayToday<br />I will hurt two people<br />I believe one will turn inward and continue to self destruct, very gorgeously<br />and I believe the other will turn inward and grow and bloom into an ugly garish thing I dont want to be party to<br />I do not want to be part of either person in some ways<br />and in other ways im glad i was part of their lives in some small way at some small fork in their life journeys<br />but they have great drugsJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-67263036505164543012009-08-16T23:45:00.000-07:002009-08-16T23:47:51.090-07:00obviously, youve never been left for anyone more attractive than you<br /><br />the better question is if i ever really have.<br />Hmmm<br /><br /><br />New people, new thoughts, new exploration. Ive been far more sober in a different way than ive been in a while, but I am constantly re-exploring chapters that I thought were over.<br /><br />Either way its fun. <br />im drunk and I wish i knew where I was going with any of this<br /><br />I'll be back to where I was by ChristmasJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-76922751713690108572009-07-31T13:23:00.000-07:002009-07-31T13:28:38.225-07:00Mathematics of friendshipIve been feeling pretty shitty lately that my relationships (or really the lack thereof) so completely dominate this blog. I mean, I am an interesting person. Assholeish tendencies aside, I am. I travel, I cook, I am neat, I love so many things and I am interested in everything that I really am more than the sum of the ties that bind me to other people<br />But at the same time its like math<br />I have so many people in my life BECAUSE i have so many interests.<br />Computers (hardware AND software), cooking, tabletop RGS, kink, travel, misadventuring, kittens, music and arts, shooting, science....<br />And so I have derive acquaintances and friends from each of those sets<br />and then there are the relationships that are derived from it.<br />And I am NOT interested in talking about my relationships with people so as a result I cannot loop that into my interests and make my activities, interests, and relationships self-sustaining; i need an outlet like this piece of shit to do that.<br /><br />Huh.<br />This blog is the second derivative of my life.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-1147164029924523162009-07-30T12:05:00.000-07:002009-07-30T12:09:06.497-07:00Barely ProseAt first I was playing coy to make you think I lead a busy life and wasn't crazy for you<br />then I told you too much about myself<br />and the look on your face let me know that I wasn't mad for you<br />Such a fun fantasy, I am beginning to realize, is nothing more than a fantasy<br />While I was melting i realized i was the same to you<br />and I was content within it<br />and as the next person in my life lifts me up and takes me to flight <br />I am content within our discordant relationship again <br />And await the carthartic and awkward endJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-62383010979231702912009-07-21T01:55:00.000-07:002009-07-21T02:37:01.835-07:00Rumination/ TentsI havent been able to sit still lately and i sure as hell cant sleep which is fairly suprising considering the intensity of my weekend (yes, even though I slept a lot last night!). I have really been partially consumed by some plots in my head and my apparent proclivity for destruction and, simultaneously, structure. Either way, ive drawn some banging sketches and ive gotten a lot done 'round the apartment. <br /><br />I wonder how much scarring would result from an extremely deep cutting if it is sutured immediately afterward? there is only one way to find out. However, that will have to wait for at least September 14th... and how busy life will be around that time! how exciting and invigorating! <br /><br />as usual, my schedule is superbly packed. <br />c'est la vie<br /><br />onward...<br /><br />What Happened<br /><br />It scares me<br />when your hands shake<br />it scared me when you raised your voice and I could feel a door slam in my mind<br />and my stomach got cold and I couldnt understand what you were saying because<br />the laws of physics were being broken<br />as the cold in my stomach rose through my spine to my vocal chords to my mouth and my brain <br />and it all froze <br />along with my thoughts and my heart and my eyes; <br />shut tight with your image burnt on them<br />while my feet began to twist and boil<br />I am bold, I am open<br />I am fragile, I am cauterized<br />I am petrified into being myself over and over again<br />And I am afraid my brittle branches will crack under your unintended strain<br />Just as touching your shoulder was my assurance<br />Watching your lips makes me falter<br />Still rivers supposedly run deep<br />And with you I evaporate<br />Ne pourris pas avec moi, mon chou<br />I am sorry, carina<br /><br /><br />This whole iran election thing has been fascinating to follow. i am surprised more pictures havent hit CB. Dios mio! sometimes they take a few weeks (I remember the Georgian-Russian conflict :/ )Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-86267982442285576342009-07-20T23:53:00.000-07:002009-07-21T00:14:15.110-07:00One last timeoh little friend of mine<br />do you ever wonder where we'd be<br />if you never let go of those fraying threads<br />that one gently bound your life with me?<br /><br />oh good old friend of mine<br />do you remember that one birthday <br />when you fell asleep driving with me?<br />we had nowhere to go, anyway<br /><br /> we had nowhere to go, anyway<br /><br />Oh toughest friend of mine<br />You got a job; had bills to pay<br />did I know it was another one last time?<br />Youd glance at me and then look away<br /><br />Oh silly friend of mine<br />You broke up with the boy you had<br />and called me that one last time<br />That conversation was so good, so bad<br /><br /> It was so good and so bad<br /><br />Oh carefree friend of mine <br />Remember racing to the sea<br />Just to spend the day away from home<br />like we'd never have anywhere to be<br /><br />Oh for one last time I'll remember that crazy drive<br />to each others houses at a thousand miles and hour<br />We could have died so many times, in that car<br />But now we can die somewhere else; <br /> we had already died on that driveJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-78699203244579129272009-06-29T23:33:00.000-07:002009-09-03T18:34:43.859-07:00the things I do and the places I didnt goI wrote this for you while you were gone because I realized for the first time in a while I miss someone. Is that special? I dont know. The context of the poem isnt sweet.<br />Love is hard when addiction is present.<br /><br />If I could draw words<br />and say pictures<br />I would draw my words like curtains in the morning<br />So the delicate sunlight floods in<br />You've washed up on foreign shores in biblical seas<br />And I am washed up in an opiate I could drown in<br />My dreams, like delicate wisps of early clouds, are frail<br />and thoughts of your face makes them evaporate<br />to condense in my eyes<br />Valium pools and morphine seas will recreate the ocean<br /> i sink into in when you are next to me<br /><br /><br /><br />and inside i feel this same familiar and disorienting feeling right now<br />turning, turning<br /><br />EDIT V2.0<br /><br />If I could draw words<br />and say pictures<br />I would draw my words like curtains in the morning<br />So the delicate sunlight floods in<br />And in the yellow glow we would embrace<br />And I would feel like I had slept for days<br /><br />You've washed up on foreign shores near biblical seas<br />And I am washed up in an opiate I could drown in<br /><br />My dreams, like delicate wisps of early clouds, are frail<br />And thoughts of your face makes them evaporate<br />And then condense, and fall from my eyes<br /><br />Valium pools and morphine seas will recreate the ocean<br />I sink into in when you are next to meJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-72802022486577513112009-05-29T13:25:00.000-07:002009-05-29T13:31:39.585-07:00Drunk near exes...... is always a bad idea, especially when there is more than 1 douche present. <br /><br />Im really torn because there is promise on some fronts, there is someone thinking of me a few states away, and someone (who is as emotionally mature as an average four year old) several continents away who thinks they love me<br />And exes<br />I really need to figure this out<br />in the mean time i passed out in one ex's lap this morning<br />for 20 minutes!<br />i havent slept since thenJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-60405926616120770332009-05-20T01:51:00.001-07:002009-05-29T13:34:44.274-07:00Thank YouIf there is one thing about you I will always remember<br />it is the last morning we spent together<br />when you rolled over and looked at me, in the face, and paused before you said<br />"you are pretty"<br />And I felt like when i did look into your eyes it wasnt just my face you saw<br />For a brief second I thought you were telling me what ive been trying to affirm in myself for so long<br />And even though a piece of me had long since realized you refused to allow yourself to be content with me<br />For that brief second I felt like I could break free of the path i've been trapped on<br />For that brief second I felt like you finally saw me, for the first time<br />It wasn't long after that you left me to chase things you thought I couldn't see<br />And it wasn't long after that I went behind the screens and haze where I felt more encapsulated<br />But it was the analytical and honest look on your face that held so much promise<br />That pause that caused my physiology to scramble<br />That pause that made me uncomfortably aware of my existence<br />that pause that made me to fall in love with breathing again in ways I cant fully understand for now<br />that for now, I will carry in the back on my head<br />Like pressed flowers in an old diaryJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-6145346641597014122009-05-19T01:23:00.000-07:002009-05-19T01:33:46.114-07:00I don't write here muchSomewhat successfully i've managed to compartmentalize more and more of my life to the point literally no one knows where I am at any one time unless I am with them. It's nice. It's hard.<br /><br />What's really hard is being a sex worker. Without going into details, I work as one, and it's the most dynamic position i've ever been in. The money for time ratio is great, but the mental energy consumed is fantastic. I wish sometimes I had a normal job- sometime to eat up time and something I could only have to care about for a select few hours a day. Its also spoiled me- I have no concept of working for money any more and im sorry to lose that- i used to work 14 hours a day when i was a kid and paychecks were so treasured. Now getting anywhere from $200 to $2000 dollars at once whenever i work is so easy. I really shouldnt complain about that. I took the semester off to travel, and I have. I went out west, I went to central america, im going to an alternative adult camp, im going to asia, im going to vegas, I might go to europe- Can I really complain? <br /><br />I think i just need a hobby. I read too quickly to just buy a book every time I'm bored- that would be 3+ books a week. I've definitely picked up a bad habit too, but im not going to write about that right now. If my life isnt where I want it to be in 2011, I will probably just join Peace Corps or the armed services. preferably the armed services; i would love to have a government issued assault rifle.<br /><br />I'm finding more and more every day that life is duality. My job is a wonderful example of that.<br /><br />Did you know one of realPlayer's visualizations is this awesome dancing sheep? <br /><br />Also it's complete bullshit about the PirateBay ruling. Compete bullshit. Related: the DRM-free files on itunes cost more. Also bullshit. Bureaucrats don't understand yet you cant control digital media without supressing freedom of speech. Pirate on.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-45925051499293650822008-11-08T02:28:00.000-08:002008-11-08T02:32:18.762-08:00I called you tonight, but your phone was off.<br />I can understand having a hard time with how I show my feelings (or lack thereof)-<br />but I can assure you, underneath my cold skin I am as full of emotion as you are<br />I hope that other girl you are with is vibrant and I hope she makes you happy<br /><br />Reasons like tonight are why I am so cold to the touch and unemotional<br /><br />All I want is for you to sleep next to me<br />And to hold me and at least pretend to love who I amJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-3132908980643121322008-07-16T20:42:00.000-07:002009-06-29T23:56:20.593-07:00I know someone who is getting a "dead inside" tattoo.<br />I almost stole the idea till I realized I am NOT dead inside. I am vibrant and healthy and active and full, if not overflowing with love for my friends and family. Maybe dead to the outside, but inside I have my own secret garden. <br /><br />I am worse than goths sometimes, seriously, the way i whine.<br /><br />But its becoming more and more apparent to me that I am indeed a masochist, and I want it heavily and I want more. Right now I am overflowing with creativity and appreciation for life; and why? because of a scene i did last night that I consider heavy. Not heavy as in you see the bruising heavy, heavy as in incapacitating (temporarily) heavy.<br />Destructive? awesome? fulfilling? amazing? terrible? wonderful?<br /><br />I love dualityJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-57947260243403945512008-05-14T06:56:00.000-07:002008-05-14T06:57:22.855-07:00Awesome Parenting Skillshttp://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/05/13/australia.driver.ap/index.html<br /><br />Truly, I am awestruck.<br /><br /><br />-More to come later.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-10734368799496438622008-05-05T00:45:00.000-07:002008-05-05T01:04:17.091-07:00DreamI had a tumultuous weekend, details arent necessary.<br /><br />But I had a crazy dream that just has me thinking. <br /><br />On saturday night, I dreamed I was dead. Like, freshly. I was hovering above my naked body, I was on a stainless steel gurney table, or something. Family came to identify the body but I couldnt really see who it was, and I could just hear whispers of what they were saying. People came, faceless friends whispered and left. I looked at all parts of my body- I looked really closely at a lot of the parts of my body, from what I can tell my dream was crazy accurate. I kept saying "what killed me?" but there were no visible clues. I looked so still and rested... weird, usually you dont smell in dreams, but I smelled death in this dream. Anyone who has seen someone die or has worked with sick/dying animals can tell you death has a smell. After a while, the area around me emptied and it was just me and the MLI (person who performs autopsy) and I heard his thoughts. Typical "so young, sad" stuff. My perspective shifted to his view of me briefly and then to random people reacting to my death (an old teacher, friends, etc) but then i was hovering above myself again. I was so confused. What was I supposed to do? How was I dead? Did I do everything that I wanted? Could I go back? Was I dreaming? I was amazed by my own form- like, the human body, skin, everything. I was confused where I was supposed to go. After the MLI cleaned me up, and just as the MLI started to make the Y-incision, I woke up. Confused, but alive.<br /><br />It's really had an effect on me. I dont really fear death, but the dream really made me realize I can die. And what would happen to me? What if I do die young? I feel like I have a lot to do. As time is going on and I'm getting older, I am beginning to see how I affect people around me, and I'm starting to take responsibility for things that i've done, things I've said, and things they won't say. I am tough, but my life is fragile. I am still not scared of dying, but for the record- if I am to die, regardless of the circumstances- I have a file saved on my laptop that has my affairs in order. <br /><br />I hope if I do die anytime soon, I do get to spend some time like I had in my dream- my body has been good to me and I've been pretty rough on it.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2158745426868803825.post-57737213780399780682008-05-02T02:44:00.000-07:002008-05-02T03:06:46.111-07:00its nights like this where I feel like I am slipping into something crazier and crazier. The clock isnt reading a physically possible time. Everything falls apart. I wish I could lie in the grass and become engulfed in the plants and be taken back into the earth. My day is going to be hell. I cant sleep, I hurt. I also want to get a new outfit to wear to Ohio, I want to go somewhere exotic, I want to slice my forearms open and play with my blood. I want to be done with feeling like a sex object. I'm sure someone outside of my family, somewhere, somehow likes me for reasons transcending anything sexual, but I would like quite a few of you to step back and reexamine our relationship. If it werent for sexual stuff, how much more or less would you care about me? How much of myself can I pour into an individual if i get to watch those same grains of myself fall right through the sieve in their eyes? Meaningless, nothingless... yes strangely familiar. I shouldnt be surprised; the thorns have been in my side for months but the stinging burning pain is unrelenting. There are men, there are women, there is me. My head alone is another entry to write about. I'll stick to one man, and one woman.<br /><br />One woman though in particular- shes smooth, understanding, demure- and a total fucking tease. Ive liked her for two goddamn years and I am as of yet to do more than waste a few hundred dollars courting her. I want to say sorry to her. Sorry I thought youd ever sincerely turn to me. Sorry for trying to listen to you whenever you were rambling about a life you lead that will never include me. Sorry for the things I did say and sorry for responding to your smooth, goddess-like hand sliding up my thigh. Sorry for rolling around laughing in the grass with you at that concert. Sorry for never caring that we were openly gay in public. Sorry you make me secure enough to want to publicly display my emotions for you. I cant blame you. Youre not human to me any more. I'm sorry, I dont know what to do with you. Find another girlfriend with a wacky hairstyle and a quirky life. I'm sorry my bed is no longer for you. <br /><br />There is one man too. Worship me. Love me. Look into my eyes when we talk. Like we used to. Carve out a piece of this world I barely understand and tell me what to do, or don't, but hold my hand as I stumble around and make the best of it. Fuck pride. Fuck all that stuff.<br /><br />The most disturbing thing about that last paragraph is I have no idea who its aimed at. I dont know myself anymore. I want to get away, to run away, to just get away for now. God, please.<br /><br />Let me get away please<br />PleaseJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16060700042884993764noreply@blogger.com0