Drunk near exes...

... is always a bad idea, especially when there is more than 1 douche present.

Im really torn because there is promise on some fronts, there is someone thinking of me a few states away, and someone (who is as emotionally mature as an average four year old) several continents away who thinks they love me
And exes
I really need to figure this out
in the mean time i passed out in one ex's lap this morning
for 20 minutes!
i havent slept since then

Thank You

If there is one thing about you I will always remember
it is the last morning we spent together
when you rolled over and looked at me, in the face, and paused before you said
"you are pretty"
And I felt like when i did look into your eyes it wasnt just my face you saw
For a brief second I thought you were telling me what ive been trying to affirm in myself for so long
And even though a piece of me had long since realized you refused to allow yourself to be content with me
For that brief second I felt like I could break free of the path i've been trapped on
For that brief second I felt like you finally saw me, for the first time
It wasn't long after that you left me to chase things you thought I couldn't see
And it wasn't long after that I went behind the screens and haze where I felt more encapsulated
But it was the analytical and honest look on your face that held so much promise
That pause that caused my physiology to scramble
That pause that made me uncomfortably aware of my existence
that pause that made me to fall in love with breathing again in ways I cant fully understand for now
that for now, I will carry in the back on my head
Like pressed flowers in an old diary

I don't write here much

Somewhat successfully i've managed to compartmentalize more and more of my life to the point literally no one knows where I am at any one time unless I am with them. It's nice. It's hard.

What's really hard is being a sex worker. Without going into details, I work as one, and it's the most dynamic position i've ever been in. The money for time ratio is great, but the mental energy consumed is fantastic. I wish sometimes I had a normal job- sometime to eat up time and something I could only have to care about for a select few hours a day. Its also spoiled me- I have no concept of working for money any more and im sorry to lose that- i used to work 14 hours a day when i was a kid and paychecks were so treasured. Now getting anywhere from $200 to $2000 dollars at once whenever i work is so easy. I really shouldnt complain about that. I took the semester off to travel, and I have. I went out west, I went to central america, im going to an alternative adult camp, im going to asia, im going to vegas, I might go to europe- Can I really complain?

I think i just need a hobby. I read too quickly to just buy a book every time I'm bored- that would be 3+ books a week. I've definitely picked up a bad habit too, but im not going to write about that right now. If my life isnt where I want it to be in 2011, I will probably just join Peace Corps or the armed services. preferably the armed services; i would love to have a government issued assault rifle.

I'm finding more and more every day that life is duality. My job is a wonderful example of that.

Did you know one of realPlayer's visualizations is this awesome dancing sheep?

Also it's complete bullshit about the PirateBay ruling. Compete bullshit. Related: the DRM-free files on itunes cost more. Also bullshit. Bureaucrats don't understand yet you cant control digital media without supressing freedom of speech. Pirate on.