Would you trust someone who was never sure if they loved you?


I want to be held (or posses a large amount of drugs)

I want to be skinny and pretty

I want to drive fast and live forever

I want to adopt you as a pet and pretend so much of my life hasnt happened

Howdy stranger

It's been a while but nothing changed, nor will it (or is it?)

Ripples of discontent are marring an otherwise placid and uncaring scape that i escape to, almost every minute of every day. I have familiar churning in my stomach, a dull, painful ache i must purge myself of. My life has become surreal. I think about using every day. I want to use so bad. There is so little going on-for me, against me, moving me- i dont feel like id be missed. I want a mattress on the floor and lots of nice opiates. I dont want to be bothered. After that swim, i dont feel like i ever need to connect with my reality again.


Switching gears, looking through old photos made me realize- there are so many people i dont keep up with any more that i miss. I still love some of them, perhaps not in an in-love sense, but i loved our time together, i loved who we were, whether it was friends, or more. I feel like the branches of my social life are twisting inwards, getting gnarled, ugly, forgotten.

There are days where I want to wither and die like an unwanted houseplant. I want to undergo dessication and just remain. And other days i remind myself that time is trudging ahead and dragging me with it, whether i like it or not. And i must get up, and do something.

The ambivalence that comes from within myself, and the people around me, slowly seeping out like syrup from a maple tree, rips through my veins in an almost ethereal and indescribable way

im not a princess and this isnt a fairy tale

sums it all up

I am manipulative, im paranoid, im jealous; i was honest and i wanted to be loved so bad. What do i have in my life? shitty family; shitty friends. distant friends. friends with ulterior motives. I just want someone to pour affection over and its just painful instead. I dont want to be drunk; i want to be fucked up. i feel so empty. I feel like my insides are being fileted.

What he did wasnt bad; its the dishonesty. Just a friend. Dont think of her that way. Why cant people at least afford me basic honesty? I can understand him feeling like his privacy was violated; can he understand he violated my basic trust? that he made me feel so worthless? How can he feel HALF as justified in his anger as i am in mine?

I feel cheap and used.

I feel so alone.

Maybe i deserve it. i wish i could say i dont care, but i care so so much.

Old habits die hard

Indeed they do.
I took an ambien and while on ambien i took 3 vicodin, one of which i tried cold-water distilling and mainlining. I guess old habits die harder than i thought.

Ive been really bored lately. I need to get a decent fix on life.