It's been a while but nothing changed, nor will it (or is it?)
Ripples of discontent are marring an otherwise placid and uncaring scape that i escape to, almost every minute of every day. I have familiar churning in my stomach, a dull, painful ache i must purge myself of. My life has become surreal. I think about using every day. I want to use so bad. There is so little going on-for me, against me, moving me- i dont feel like id be missed. I want a mattress on the floor and lots of nice opiates. I dont want to be bothered. After that swim, i dont feel like i ever need to connect with my reality again.
Switching gears, looking through old photos made me realize- there are so many people i dont keep up with any more that i miss. I still love some of them, perhaps not in an in-love sense, but i loved our time together, i loved who we were, whether it was friends, or more. I feel like the branches of my social life are twisting inwards, getting gnarled, ugly, forgotten.
There are days where I want to wither and die like an unwanted houseplant. I want to undergo dessication and just remain. And other days i remind myself that time is trudging ahead and dragging me with it, whether i like it or not. And i must get up, and do something.
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