you can still cry sometimes

added last after some thought:

A few people from real life might have access to this blog and that makes me uncomfortable, but on the same end- who cares? Nothing has taken over my life and this blog is an excellent way for me to express what I dont talk about. They can fulfill their voyeuristic intentions all they want, they can spread rumors and make me feel bad (worse?) about myself, they can shrink my already small social circle. To everyone I may know: I'm sorry. And go do something productive and maybe re-examine your own lives.

--

I wish i could explain the concept of how it feels when I say i feel like i am drifting away. I dont know what else to call it. its not so much a gradual termination of emotion, instead its more like a separation of my personality and my emotions. I feel hurt or happy without feeling hurt or happy. I acknowledge it but i dont feel it. And I only acknowledge it in brief. If I think about the boy, sleeping with other women, fantasizing about them, getting sick of me- i cry. but now i am also drifting away from it in what is more and more a lifelong quest for incompatible desires.

Ive been micro/macro blogging a lot lately. I got into a fight recently with the boy, and i think thats why. I rarely meet someone who is able to make me so jealous so quickly, so happy so purely, and so drunk on anger. I finally really understand how you can look at someone and just see your own failures. Sometimes, I am so weak. The creases around his eyes remind me he's settling

Everything lately makes me want to use again. Everything. I close my eyes and i see the blissful scarlet plume filling the syringe. I almost FEEL it, I almost feel the anticipation, my legs get tense in preparation. I always just crumple the last few times I used, I just crumple and let myself get increasingly higher. Despite the blood dripping from my arm and the fact that I am an IV drug user, everything is soft and deceivingly perfect. Serotonin 'warmth' is indescribable. I wish I had someone who understood and not just 'knew' to replace that warmth sometimes. until then ill weigh the pros and cons and inevitably relapse again at some point soon.

i need a damn hobby

One

One
of the worst things is trying to sleep alone after youve been curled up with someone else for so long
Two
of the worst people to be together are drug addicts or sociopaths
Three
is the number of words I wish you could have said to me in some way at some point that would have changed this night entirely


drifting away again

opinion

In my opinion, the biggest assumption you can make is that you will be loved if youre around someone long enough

Nothing is further from the truth most the time


I am over 50 miles and quantum leaps mentally away from the person i wish i were sleeping next to, but i do believe hes unable to process my most basic emotional needs


It is a painful and lonely morning

What constitutes abuse?

I am in a relationship and i cannot tell if i am (emotionally) abused or I am the abuser. the funny part is i know about the cycles of abuse, and all of that, and i feel like im falling into them
Maybe thats not funny?

Whatever is going on, its like a giant wonderful swedish clock that keeps jamming on one small wheel and the whole machine just grinds and makes awful noises.

As a result of this, and summer, ive been poking around way too much for things i shouldnt. I am going to find what i want and not stop though.

I never thought smuggled valium could save my life