Dream

I had a tumultuous weekend, details arent necessary.

But I had a crazy dream that just has me thinking.

On saturday night, I dreamed I was dead. Like, freshly. I was hovering above my naked body, I was on a stainless steel gurney table, or something. Family came to identify the body but I couldnt really see who it was, and I could just hear whispers of what they were saying. People came, faceless friends whispered and left. I looked at all parts of my body- I looked really closely at a lot of the parts of my body, from what I can tell my dream was crazy accurate. I kept saying "what killed me?" but there were no visible clues. I looked so still and rested... weird, usually you dont smell in dreams, but I smelled death in this dream. Anyone who has seen someone die or has worked with sick/dying animals can tell you death has a smell. After a while, the area around me emptied and it was just me and the MLI (person who performs autopsy) and I heard his thoughts. Typical "so young, sad" stuff. My perspective shifted to his view of me briefly and then to random people reacting to my death (an old teacher, friends, etc) but then i was hovering above myself again. I was so confused. What was I supposed to do? How was I dead? Did I do everything that I wanted? Could I go back? Was I dreaming? I was amazed by my own form- like, the human body, skin, everything. I was confused where I was supposed to go. After the MLI cleaned me up, and just as the MLI started to make the Y-incision, I woke up. Confused, but alive.

It's really had an effect on me. I dont really fear death, but the dream really made me realize I can die. And what would happen to me? What if I do die young? I feel like I have a lot to do. As time is going on and I'm getting older, I am beginning to see how I affect people around me, and I'm starting to take responsibility for things that i've done, things I've said, and things they won't say. I am tough, but my life is fragile. I am still not scared of dying, but for the record- if I am to die, regardless of the circumstances- I have a file saved on my laptop that has my affairs in order.

I hope if I do die anytime soon, I do get to spend some time like I had in my dream- my body has been good to me and I've been pretty rough on it.