Today
I will hurt two people
I believe one will turn inward and continue to self destruct, very gorgeously
and I believe the other will turn inward and grow and bloom into an ugly garish thing I dont want to be party to
I do not want to be part of either person in some ways
and in other ways im glad i was part of their lives in some small way at some small fork in their life journeys
but they have great drugs
Sunday, August 16, 2009
obviously, youve never been left for anyone more attractive than you
the better question is if i ever really have.
Hmmm
New people, new thoughts, new exploration. Ive been far more sober in a different way than ive been in a while, but I am constantly re-exploring chapters that I thought were over.
Either way its fun.
im drunk and I wish i knew where I was going with any of this
I'll be back to where I was by Christmas
the better question is if i ever really have.
Hmmm
New people, new thoughts, new exploration. Ive been far more sober in a different way than ive been in a while, but I am constantly re-exploring chapters that I thought were over.
Either way its fun.
im drunk and I wish i knew where I was going with any of this
I'll be back to where I was by Christmas
Friday, July 31, 2009
Mathematics of friendship
Ive been feeling pretty shitty lately that my relationships (or really the lack thereof) so completely dominate this blog. I mean, I am an interesting person. Assholeish tendencies aside, I am. I travel, I cook, I am neat, I love so many things and I am interested in everything that I really am more than the sum of the ties that bind me to other people
But at the same time its like math
I have so many people in my life BECAUSE i have so many interests.
Computers (hardware AND software), cooking, tabletop RGS, kink, travel, misadventuring, kittens, music and arts, shooting, science....
And so I have derive acquaintances and friends from each of those sets
and then there are the relationships that are derived from it.
And I am NOT interested in talking about my relationships with people so as a result I cannot loop that into my interests and make my activities, interests, and relationships self-sustaining; i need an outlet like this piece of shit to do that.
Huh.
This blog is the second derivative of my life.
But at the same time its like math
I have so many people in my life BECAUSE i have so many interests.
Computers (hardware AND software), cooking, tabletop RGS, kink, travel, misadventuring, kittens, music and arts, shooting, science....
And so I have derive acquaintances and friends from each of those sets
and then there are the relationships that are derived from it.
And I am NOT interested in talking about my relationships with people so as a result I cannot loop that into my interests and make my activities, interests, and relationships self-sustaining; i need an outlet like this piece of shit to do that.
Huh.
This blog is the second derivative of my life.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Barely Prose
At first I was playing coy to make you think I lead a busy life and wasn't crazy for you
then I told you too much about myself
and the look on your face let me know that I wasn't mad for you
Such a fun fantasy, I am beginning to realize, is nothing more than a fantasy
While I was melting i realized i was the same to you
and I was content within it
and as the next person in my life lifts me up and takes me to flight
I am content within our discordant relationship again
And await the carthartic and awkward end
then I told you too much about myself
and the look on your face let me know that I wasn't mad for you
Such a fun fantasy, I am beginning to realize, is nothing more than a fantasy
While I was melting i realized i was the same to you
and I was content within it
and as the next person in my life lifts me up and takes me to flight
I am content within our discordant relationship again
And await the carthartic and awkward end
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Rumination/ Tents
I havent been able to sit still lately and i sure as hell cant sleep which is fairly suprising considering the intensity of my weekend (yes, even though I slept a lot last night!). I have really been partially consumed by some plots in my head and my apparent proclivity for destruction and, simultaneously, structure. Either way, ive drawn some banging sketches and ive gotten a lot done 'round the apartment.
I wonder how much scarring would result from an extremely deep cutting if it is sutured immediately afterward? there is only one way to find out. However, that will have to wait for at least September 14th... and how busy life will be around that time! how exciting and invigorating!
as usual, my schedule is superbly packed.
c'est la vie
onward...
What Happened
It scares me
when your hands shake
it scared me when you raised your voice and I could feel a door slam in my mind
and my stomach got cold and I couldnt understand what you were saying because
the laws of physics were being broken
as the cold in my stomach rose through my spine to my vocal chords to my mouth and my brain
and it all froze
along with my thoughts and my heart and my eyes;
shut tight with your image burnt on them
while my feet began to twist and boil
I am bold, I am open
I am fragile, I am cauterized
I am petrified into being myself over and over again
And I am afraid my brittle branches will crack under your unintended strain
Just as touching your shoulder was my assurance
Watching your lips makes me falter
Still rivers supposedly run deep
And with you I evaporate
Ne pourris pas avec moi, mon chou
I am sorry, carina
This whole iran election thing has been fascinating to follow. i am surprised more pictures havent hit CB. Dios mio! sometimes they take a few weeks (I remember the Georgian-Russian conflict :/ )
I wonder how much scarring would result from an extremely deep cutting if it is sutured immediately afterward? there is only one way to find out. However, that will have to wait for at least September 14th... and how busy life will be around that time! how exciting and invigorating!
as usual, my schedule is superbly packed.
c'est la vie
onward...
What Happened
It scares me
when your hands shake
it scared me when you raised your voice and I could feel a door slam in my mind
and my stomach got cold and I couldnt understand what you were saying because
the laws of physics were being broken
as the cold in my stomach rose through my spine to my vocal chords to my mouth and my brain
and it all froze
along with my thoughts and my heart and my eyes;
shut tight with your image burnt on them
while my feet began to twist and boil
I am bold, I am open
I am fragile, I am cauterized
I am petrified into being myself over and over again
And I am afraid my brittle branches will crack under your unintended strain
Just as touching your shoulder was my assurance
Watching your lips makes me falter
Still rivers supposedly run deep
And with you I evaporate
Ne pourris pas avec moi, mon chou
I am sorry, carina
This whole iran election thing has been fascinating to follow. i am surprised more pictures havent hit CB. Dios mio! sometimes they take a few weeks (I remember the Georgian-Russian conflict :/ )
Monday, July 20, 2009
One last time
oh little friend of mine
do you ever wonder where we'd be
if you never let go of those fraying threads
that one gently bound your life with me?
oh good old friend of mine
do you remember that one birthday
when you fell asleep driving with me?
we had nowhere to go, anyway
we had nowhere to go, anyway
Oh toughest friend of mine
You got a job; had bills to pay
did I know it was another one last time?
Youd glance at me and then look away
Oh silly friend of mine
You broke up with the boy you had
and called me that one last time
That conversation was so good, so bad
It was so good and so bad
Oh carefree friend of mine
Remember racing to the sea
Just to spend the day away from home
like we'd never have anywhere to be
Oh for one last time I'll remember that crazy drive
to each others houses at a thousand miles and hour
We could have died so many times, in that car
But now we can die somewhere else;
we had already died on that drive
do you ever wonder where we'd be
if you never let go of those fraying threads
that one gently bound your life with me?
oh good old friend of mine
do you remember that one birthday
when you fell asleep driving with me?
we had nowhere to go, anyway
we had nowhere to go, anyway
Oh toughest friend of mine
You got a job; had bills to pay
did I know it was another one last time?
Youd glance at me and then look away
Oh silly friend of mine
You broke up with the boy you had
and called me that one last time
That conversation was so good, so bad
It was so good and so bad
Oh carefree friend of mine
Remember racing to the sea
Just to spend the day away from home
like we'd never have anywhere to be
Oh for one last time I'll remember that crazy drive
to each others houses at a thousand miles and hour
We could have died so many times, in that car
But now we can die somewhere else;
we had already died on that drive
Monday, June 29, 2009
the things I do and the places I didnt go
I wrote this for you while you were gone because I realized for the first time in a while I miss someone. Is that special? I dont know. The context of the poem isnt sweet.
Love is hard when addiction is present.
If I could draw words
and say pictures
I would draw my words like curtains in the morning
So the delicate sunlight floods in
You've washed up on foreign shores in biblical seas
And I am washed up in an opiate I could drown in
My dreams, like delicate wisps of early clouds, are frail
and thoughts of your face makes them evaporate
to condense in my eyes
Valium pools and morphine seas will recreate the ocean
i sink into in when you are next to me
and inside i feel this same familiar and disorienting feeling right now
turning, turning
EDIT V2.0
If I could draw words
and say pictures
I would draw my words like curtains in the morning
So the delicate sunlight floods in
And in the yellow glow we would embrace
And I would feel like I had slept for days
You've washed up on foreign shores near biblical seas
And I am washed up in an opiate I could drown in
My dreams, like delicate wisps of early clouds, are frail
And thoughts of your face makes them evaporate
And then condense, and fall from my eyes
Valium pools and morphine seas will recreate the ocean
I sink into in when you are next to me
Love is hard when addiction is present.
If I could draw words
and say pictures
I would draw my words like curtains in the morning
So the delicate sunlight floods in
You've washed up on foreign shores in biblical seas
And I am washed up in an opiate I could drown in
My dreams, like delicate wisps of early clouds, are frail
and thoughts of your face makes them evaporate
to condense in my eyes
Valium pools and morphine seas will recreate the ocean
i sink into in when you are next to me
and inside i feel this same familiar and disorienting feeling right now
turning, turning
EDIT V2.0
If I could draw words
and say pictures
I would draw my words like curtains in the morning
So the delicate sunlight floods in
And in the yellow glow we would embrace
And I would feel like I had slept for days
You've washed up on foreign shores near biblical seas
And I am washed up in an opiate I could drown in
My dreams, like delicate wisps of early clouds, are frail
And thoughts of your face makes them evaporate
And then condense, and fall from my eyes
Valium pools and morphine seas will recreate the ocean
I sink into in when you are next to me
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