Would you trust someone who was never sure if they loved you?


I want to be held (or posses a large amount of drugs)

I want to be skinny and pretty

I want to drive fast and live forever

I want to adopt you as a pet and pretend so much of my life hasnt happened

Howdy stranger

It's been a while but nothing changed, nor will it (or is it?)

Ripples of discontent are marring an otherwise placid and uncaring scape that i escape to, almost every minute of every day. I have familiar churning in my stomach, a dull, painful ache i must purge myself of. My life has become surreal. I think about using every day. I want to use so bad. There is so little going on-for me, against me, moving me- i dont feel like id be missed. I want a mattress on the floor and lots of nice opiates. I dont want to be bothered. After that swim, i dont feel like i ever need to connect with my reality again.


Switching gears, looking through old photos made me realize- there are so many people i dont keep up with any more that i miss. I still love some of them, perhaps not in an in-love sense, but i loved our time together, i loved who we were, whether it was friends, or more. I feel like the branches of my social life are twisting inwards, getting gnarled, ugly, forgotten.

There are days where I want to wither and die like an unwanted houseplant. I want to undergo dessication and just remain. And other days i remind myself that time is trudging ahead and dragging me with it, whether i like it or not. And i must get up, and do something.

The ambivalence that comes from within myself, and the people around me, slowly seeping out like syrup from a maple tree, rips through my veins in an almost ethereal and indescribable way

im not a princess and this isnt a fairy tale

sums it all up

I am manipulative, im paranoid, im jealous; i was honest and i wanted to be loved so bad. What do i have in my life? shitty family; shitty friends. distant friends. friends with ulterior motives. I just want someone to pour affection over and its just painful instead. I dont want to be drunk; i want to be fucked up. i feel so empty. I feel like my insides are being fileted.

What he did wasnt bad; its the dishonesty. Just a friend. Dont think of her that way. Why cant people at least afford me basic honesty? I can understand him feeling like his privacy was violated; can he understand he violated my basic trust? that he made me feel so worthless? How can he feel HALF as justified in his anger as i am in mine?

I feel cheap and used.

I feel so alone.

Maybe i deserve it. i wish i could say i dont care, but i care so so much.

Old habits die hard

Indeed they do.
I took an ambien and while on ambien i took 3 vicodin, one of which i tried cold-water distilling and mainlining. I guess old habits die harder than i thought.

Ive been really bored lately. I need to get a decent fix on life.

you can still cry sometimes

added last after some thought:

A few people from real life might have access to this blog and that makes me uncomfortable, but on the same end- who cares? Nothing has taken over my life and this blog is an excellent way for me to express what I dont talk about. They can fulfill their voyeuristic intentions all they want, they can spread rumors and make me feel bad (worse?) about myself, they can shrink my already small social circle. To everyone I may know: I'm sorry. And go do something productive and maybe re-examine your own lives.

--

I wish i could explain the concept of how it feels when I say i feel like i am drifting away. I dont know what else to call it. its not so much a gradual termination of emotion, instead its more like a separation of my personality and my emotions. I feel hurt or happy without feeling hurt or happy. I acknowledge it but i dont feel it. And I only acknowledge it in brief. If I think about the boy, sleeping with other women, fantasizing about them, getting sick of me- i cry. but now i am also drifting away from it in what is more and more a lifelong quest for incompatible desires.

Ive been micro/macro blogging a lot lately. I got into a fight recently with the boy, and i think thats why. I rarely meet someone who is able to make me so jealous so quickly, so happy so purely, and so drunk on anger. I finally really understand how you can look at someone and just see your own failures. Sometimes, I am so weak. The creases around his eyes remind me he's settling

Everything lately makes me want to use again. Everything. I close my eyes and i see the blissful scarlet plume filling the syringe. I almost FEEL it, I almost feel the anticipation, my legs get tense in preparation. I always just crumple the last few times I used, I just crumple and let myself get increasingly higher. Despite the blood dripping from my arm and the fact that I am an IV drug user, everything is soft and deceivingly perfect. Serotonin 'warmth' is indescribable. I wish I had someone who understood and not just 'knew' to replace that warmth sometimes. until then ill weigh the pros and cons and inevitably relapse again at some point soon.

i need a damn hobby

One

One
of the worst things is trying to sleep alone after youve been curled up with someone else for so long
Two
of the worst people to be together are drug addicts or sociopaths
Three
is the number of words I wish you could have said to me in some way at some point that would have changed this night entirely


drifting away again